Seeing past all the bullshit

*sigh* People are so full of shit, it's not even funny anymore. J confessed and asked if he had a shot at being my boyfriend on Friday. Obviously I said no! and I don't want drama between him and his friends and because J just got out of a relationship. Then he states a bunch of bullshit and says it won't change anything. He didn't really finish asking me out, I finished the question for him because he's too much of a coward.

The next day at the car meet J shows up with his ex, Stacy. At first I thought they were going as friends, but it was obvious they got back together. They were holding each others hands and hugging. I'm like WTF?

This is the girl, J kept complaining about and broke up with her because she CHEATED and lied to him. He caught her on camera too! I'm pissed cuz he tried to play me! What's worse is he tried to play it cool afterwards. Didn't apologize whatsoever! He knows he fucked up. I was with M at the car meet and I met Bao and Jessica. Bao had just bought a new STi and M went with him to New Hampshire the other day to buy it. J's now current gf seems like a snobby bitch. She didn't bother introducing herself and she looked me up and down with a disgusted look.

I learned the day of the car meet that Stacy's M's ex...awkward....apparently she cheated on M for J. What....the....fuck.......? That shit is so messed up! Especially since J's close friends with M! That just goes to show what kind of person J is.

He called and texted me a few times yesterday but I didn't answer. I completely ignored him but then when M, Bao, Jess, MC, and Cathy, we all went to D&B and ran into J. I was startled and felt creeped out. How the F did he know we were gonna be there? I ignored him but asked where his gf was. I thought he'd take the hint. After I completely ignored him, he texted me things like "talk to me when you feel like being an adult again." EXCUSE ME?!?! How about you GTFO my face and I never have to talk to you ever again? His text pissed me off even more! I'm just not talking to him till he apologized for what he did. He can't play it cool and make me feel guilty. It used to work but not anymore. He and his friends left around the same time as me and my new group of friends did. He waited in the car till we all got out and got into ours. What a creep! Stalker much? I didn't notice till M told me.

After D&B we went to go eat crawfish at a restaurant in Randolph. After we all had fun eating, on our way leaving, we saw J drive the opposite way. Apparently he was on his way to Stacy's house. He slowed down cuz he saw us. CREEEEEEEP!

I've been getting pretty close to M recently. It's scary to me because i'm afraid i'm gonna fall and get hurt. I wouldn't be surprised if I do because I fall so easily. It's hard because M and I talk everyday. He texts me good morning and good night every day. He's such a gentleman and he sweet talks but I know I need to be really careful. He's really sweet but thats how every guy is when they're in the chase. At least he respects me and says he just wants to get to know me more. The look on B and MC's face hints as if i'm already going out with him. I didn't ask him if he has feelings for me but he didn't deny what J said before. I'm not sure but I know we do have a bit in common.

He goes out of his way to talk to me. He was hungry but didn't eat or say he wasn't hungry. His stomach obviously didn't agree. Then he tried but he didn't say anything because he wanted to talk to me that night in the car at the beach. We talked until 2 AM and slept at 3 even though he had to wake up for work at 6AM! I'm afraid he'll get sick of me soon if I tell him too much. He'll get bored :(

Blackout!

So I blocked out the world yesterday. I didn't answer any calls or texts at all. I felt a little bad because both M and J kept texting me and asking if I was ok. Apparently they were both worried. M even asked J if I was ok. I'm not sure what to do because things haven't really been resolved.

The benefits of yesterday was letting go of Mason. I just took off the necklace, deleted photos and videos off facebook. I was pretty close to deleting him on facebook even. It's funny how we used to be so close and all of a sudden we're strangers again. I'm glad i'm actually over it because he wasn't ever a good boyfriend.

My mind right now is just thinking about M and J. What MB said to me still kind of bothers me. I don't want to be the girl that gets in between their friendship....

I didn't realize being single was so complicated...=/

As crazy as this sounds, I decided to block out the world for the day. I'm not answering anyone's calls or texts. I feel like I just need to focus on myself and give myself some space for a day. I feel really bad not replying back to MN and J. They both texted me last night and I didn't respond. Then they texted me good morning and I didn't reply either. Then J texted me asking me if I was ok and I don't know how to respond to that.

I'm not sure if I'm ok or not. I'm trying to be. I just feel a strong urge to give up on my ex. I can't wait for someone who doesn't care. I deserve better and i'm going to just forget about him. Although we had our happy times, he just wasn't mature enough to respect me or love me. I took off the necklace he gave and deleted the videos and pictures. Untagged everything on facebook. I'm not going to throw away the necklace like what I did with Wes's necklace but i'm just gonna put it aside.

I want closure and to feel loved but i'm not ready to be in a relationship for awhile. 3 Years is a long time but i'm going to take it one step at a time. I'm going to go month-by-month. I can't think about the long-term because it's been hard with M around. As bad as it sounds, i'm scared I might fall for him, and maybe not even for the right reasons.

It's hard because he's a nice and fun guy and cares and worries about me. It's going to be a hard few days ignoring everyones texts. I didn't think it'd be this hard. I brought my phone with me because I need it for Sephora. Tomorrow I'm not going to bring my phone. I'm not going to talk to anyone again till Friday. It's funny because his last name is Nguyen and there's a cute guy on youtube and he calls himself Boss Nguyen (Changman). Viet guys can be so charming LOL!

M asked me to go to the carnival on Saturday and the car meet too. He was even sweet enough to say he'd win me something from the games. I want to go, but a bit skeptical. I don't know yet. I'll see how things go on Friday. I'll see how he reacts to my blackout the next few days.

J seems to be worried, which makes me feel bad about ignoring his texts, but this is sort of for the best. MB texted me yesterday and he was upset because I didn't text him "good morning". -___-'' Then he said "MN and not MB." I feel like he's so dramatic! It's annoying! I'm not choosing anyone! He's making assumptions about me, but he doesn't know shit! Plus he has a girlfriend! I'm pretty sure I make a lot of people feel "uneasy." I have a strong personality and can be a bitch at times. I'm the girl who simply just doesn't want to date and sees past all the BS.

I wonder why J doesn't want me to call him artemis anymore. I guess it's a good thing since I shouldn't call anyone any nicknames, they might mistaken me. I'm so overthinking things -__-! I couldn't even focus at the gym yesterday! wtf! That hasn't happened to me since the break up. I'm kind of glad about the break up. It's made me stronger and open up my eyes more. I was being mistreated and giving way too much into a hopeless relationship. I'm also glad i'm finally, really letting go and completely over it!

Just really need to vent lately

I don't know where to start...I'm so confused and lost right now. Let me start off with my ex. I have no idea but I can't get over him. There's still a lil part of me that hopes he'll come back, but at the same time I know it's wrong and that I should just move on and drop it. I have been wearing the necklace he gave me for so long after the break up and still have all our pictures. I watched our videos I posted on facebook and it brought back memories. I can't delete everything. I know he's not thinking the same and doesn't care. He didnt care.

Honestly, I feel so scarred. I don't think I could trust anyone ever again. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore because i'm scared. I'm not meant to be in a relationship but to help others with theirs. I'm trying so hard to be strong. I force myself to go working out at the gym everyday after classes so it gives me something to do and not think about shit. It was working for awhile up until lately.  I just hope I get the job at Sephora soon or i'll go crazy.

I guess problems lately started off with J. We started hanging out ever since I ran into him at cvs that one time. Don't get me wrong, J is a nice guy and he kept me from being bored at home on the weekends. He introduced me to quite a few of his friends and they're pretty interesting. First was C. Now C made it pretty obvious he was hitting on me. I also made it obvious and clear I wasn't interested. I told EVERYONE I wanted to stay single. Every time C asked me to go somewhere to eat or chill, i'd say no or come up with an excuse. He gave up and ended up never talking to me again since. That's annoying, to not even be friends, but whatever. I don't care.

Next is, MB. Oh boy...he has no idea wth he wants from the way he talks and tells me things. I can tell he is very immature. He has a girlfriend and he tells another girl that he loves her. The he txts me saying he felt "uneasy" with me. I felt confused and asked J about it and he tells me MB was trying to be "cute" and hit on me. He pinched my cheeks and I wasn't happy about it but I accidentally hit him in the face(up the jaw) oops? lol

And then there's MN. I just met him recently and he's a chill dude. Surprisingly, we have a lot in common and similar taste in things. He's really into cars and he recently just got my number and started texting me a lot. J says he's into me too! (oh boy...)  WTH is up with J and his friends all hittin on me? smh

J...back to J. I don't even know how to begin. He's comes off as a nice guy but when I see his face he has a hella sketchy look. Although he listens to my vents and is there for me, I feel like he's up to something. He hasn't stated he likes me or anything but I can feel it. We've talked under stars at night, and chill more often than before. It was cool at first until yesterday. I'm not sure if he likes me but I know I shouldn't get too close to him. Especially since 3 of his guy friends have hit on me and he just got out of a relationship. J's been trying to convince me to "give others a chance" I feel like he's talking about himself.

Last night I told my best friend all this and he wants to call off the bet we made. We made a bet of me not to date for 3 yrs and for each yr I would get $100 + dinner. He wants to call it off because he doesn't think i'd be able to do it and doesn't wanna feel responsible if I miss out on the "right guy". Yea...getting all this attention is flattering but guys like the chase. They always want what they can't have. I know this will all go away if I give in to any of them.  No matter how much they sweet talk. It's not gonna work on me anymore. I'm so tired of being hurt.  I can't let myself fall again. I don't know what to do with J and his friends. I know I'm going to get over my ex though. I can feel it easily slipping away...why stay so focused on someone who doesn't care?